The three C’s

So, I live in Santa Clarita, and as anyone on Twitter knows we had a school shooting.

Thankfully, my kids go to school across town. No, I’m not going say how scared I was, and all that shit. There are plenty of people here using this to get attention, and I refuse to use any tragedy for my personal attention. It’s like in high school when someone dies and EVERYONE was there best friend.

I’m also not going to get in on my thoughts on guns. This post will have nothing to do with gun policies. This will be about the kids.

I think maybe we need to focus on why the kids are doing this. Just like years ago when we coined the term, postal. When postal workers would go in guns blazing. We found out what was making these workers go off the deep end, and addressed it. Also, the media didn’t make it a god damn circus. No notaritity here.

I have kids, I have three in different stages of life. One out of high school, one almost done with middle school, and one going into 4th grade. I see their friends, and classmates, and noticed a lot of them don’t have coping mechanism.

Coping

Kids have a lot on their plates. School, sports, and social media. They have to keep up or get lost. We aren’t giving them the availability to learn to cope. They don’t understand how to deal with the stress pushing down on them , and I truly think we need to address this.

(Also, on a different note,I feel trade schools should come back in tenfold. Kids getting pushed into college where they don’t belong, but have to go through to make anything of themselves in adulthood. )

Sorry, back to topic. If we’re going to put this stress on these kids help them learn how to cope with Teach them to deal with disappointment, because that’s life. We need to give them tools on how to channel their stress on a healthy way, and sometimes the answer isn’t sports or go outside.

Consequences

A lot of these kids don’t have consequences. They don’t fail at sports, everyone gets a trophy. If they do something bad, it isn’t their fault. Kids need consequences. They need to understand that their actions and words affect others. When bad things happen and they have to face their consequences theu don’t know how to cope with it.

Contentment

Kids see social media of people living their best life. (Especially in Santa Clarita, where most people are up to their necks in debt, but pretending life is perfect, while popping pills just to make it through the day) Kids need to learn to be content with what they have. I’m not saying to stop striving to make your life better, or reach for your dreams, I’m saying enjoy the journey. Be happy in what you have, learn to appreciate what you have, and be happy. Stop worrying about what others have, and what you have and want. Don’t compare. Be you, and be happy.

The three C’s aren’t going to fix all these kids problems, but I feel like it would be a step in the right direction.

Washing Machine

I wrote this in 2014 for a friend going through some stuff. Today this felt like something I needed to hear
Don’t lose hope especially on the days that seem hopeless.
Life is messy.
You will be the lone article of clothing in a wash machine. A single sock…being agitated, rinsed, and spun. You will feel beaten, turned upside down, and inside out.
You will find a rhythm.
You will find a routine.
You will adapt.
You may not be as productive as you have been. Mr./Ms I need to do this or that
You will find a routine.
Just a warning.
When your routine gets comfortable the wash machine will start again.
Once again you will adapt.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
You will find time for your passion. Even if it is snippets. It may even help keep you sane.
Keep the hope. This may all be for nothing.
Take care of yourself. That is important.
DON’T STOP LAUGHING.
DON’T FEEL BAD FOR LAUGHING.

Relationship of writing a book

I’ve been asked a couple times what my process is for writing a book, and this is the best way I can think of describing it.

Writing a book is like being in a relationship.

<The introduction>

The moment the book idea pops in your head. It’s exhilarating and new. You’re shy at first, afraid to tell many people about it because you’re unsure of what’s going to happen.

<Honeymoon stage>

Writing begins, the first draft. This is it. You’re committed and it’s shiny and new. Your book takes over your life. It’s all you think about, and you will ditch the 3 F’s, family, friends, and food to be with it. It brings a smile to your face. You want everyone to know about it. You’re proud and it’s yours.

<Middle of the relationship>

The first draft is done. You’ve reread it until you’re eyes have gone cross. You find annoying traits you’ve never noticed before. Words are repeated, and if you see it again you’ll pull your hair out. You attempt to change it to make it better, and you do, it’s just not the same as it was in the beginning. You’re both growing and learning about yourself. In truth you’re kind of over the whole thing, and there are times you hate it with a burning passion. But you stick with it. You try to recall the giddiness of used to elicit, and sometimes you do. You read a sentence or chapter that reminds of you why you loved it in the first place.

<Couple Counseling>

You need help. You need someone else with fresh eyes to take over. You send it to your editor (counselor) It’s nerve wracking. You’re letting someone else in your relationship, and you’re hoping they will tell you it’s salvageable.

<Break up>

It’s time to publish. You’ve done all you’ve can, and it’s time to release your book. You will always have fond memories of your time together, but you can’t do anymore. You’ll put it out, and hope someone will see the beauty in it you did. You helped create it so you’ll always be proud of it. It’s heartbreaking, and a relief at the same time. You may go immediately into another relationship, or wait a while before starting the whole exhausting process again.

<Rekindle>

Not all the time, but every once in a while you take your book back. Maybe you saw something else that would make it better. Whatever the reasons it is still going to end up in a breakup.

My advice is keep getting into relationships. Don’t stop writing, and be happy with every break up. Be proud.

Life is shorter than a little person standing in a hole. Even if you believe in heaven or reincarnation or any of that other nonsense, this is the only time you’ll be you. So make every day you’re you the best one you can. You’re only you once.

BOOK LINK

Heartbreak

Heartbreak

 

One always hopes that they will experience a soul shattering experience, alone. Well, I should say that one really hopes to never experience a soul shattering experience.

It isn’t detrimental. You will come out of it, gasping for air and clutching for purchase at any available surface, but you will be genetically altered for all other experiences to come.

You won’t want to be alone in your suffering forever, but in that one moment, when you realize your world has been flipped over and turned inside out, you will.

Unfortunately, a moment like this can happen in a very public manner.

People most likely will be present when you stumble into this exact moment.

You may even receive a voicemail explaining how sorry someone was and they could feel the shattering of your soul as your heart broke. They might even provide a blow by blow of the exact moment as seen through their eyes.

You’ll listen to this voicemail while refilling your diet Pepsi, and vodka. You’ll watch the tepid soda widdle down the ice cubes. You will almost smile at the words coming out of your phone, almost.

A person declaring they could feel your heartbreak.

Ha!

The almost formed smile, will feel foreign on your face. The muscles will crack from the strain of lifting up the sides of your mouth. You’ll have a hysterical thought that you will never be able to smile organically again.

How could someone feel your emotions, at the exact moment you went numb?

Maybe, it was some residual instinct left over from the caveman times. When a member of a tribe experienced something they were unable to handle, the other members siphoned off the emotions making it less to bear for the suffering member.

You hope they keep it, you think to yourself as you wash down a sleeping pill with your vodka laced Pepsi. It isn’t a suicide kick, you just want to ensure that your body stays numb just a little longer.

Your tribes-members seem to already be getting tired of hefting the load they had siphoned from you, and start to release it back to you. Like a rubber band more emotions would hit you, springing on you unexpectedly while knocking the breath out of your lungs.

You lay down, and rub your palm over the spot where your heart beat. You picture it pumping away with less enthusiasm, and wondering when it would get the spring back in its mechanics. Atrium, ventricle, lungs, atrium, ventricle, body. Forcing blood through you, knowing something was off, but doing its job none the less.

Happy Endings Massagecast

Sooooo.. I started a podcast. I’ve been beyond busy. What can I say? I’m a big girl of course my plate would be full

Don’t worry, Leap of Fate is on its way. Van and Jessie are almost ready.

Happy Endings is a podcast where I massage comedians and other entertainers while they answer questions. I have 18 episodes ready to post. I posted 2 and will post a new one every Monday.

Right now they are available on Soundcloud and Stitcher. Itunes and I are not on speaking terms. Hopefully they get their act together soon.

At first started asking the comics about comedy, but after editing them to get rid of the long pauses I decided to change the format. Like all good things this podcast will evolve into something better.

It’s a unique idea why not be a unique interview?

The podcasts I have done obviously are not going to change, but I think the podcast is starting to find its legs. I can’t wait to see how the podcast will grow.

Enjoy listening!!!

Candice Thompson

Sam Tripoli

My cocky stance

So I waited. My two cents are mine, and really what the fuck can you buy with two cents?

At first I was going to write something awful and demeaning toward the cocky author. Something along the lines of…

Get me some syrup because I smell a major twat waffle. Mrs Cocky maybe you should stop writing and go teach victim 101. Where of course the space would limited as your ego would encompass most of the room.

But I didn’t write that. What good would that do? I mean it would make me feel better but this would just be another chapter in her victim text book.

So instead….

Let’s talk about branding. No let’s talk about books and specifically genres.

Stay with me there is a point to be made.

I will admit on my kindle there are way too many titles that include the words Highlander, Earl, Duke, pirate and many more historical romance verbiage. Historical romance is my jam. I love reading stories outside the genre’s I write.

The titles are a combination of those words. The earl highlander, the pirate Duke so on so on. I pick the books because they are in the genre I like to read. A lot of times it’s based on the title, because it lets me know what genre it’s in.

Now with the word cocky an image of an alpha male comes to mind. A cocky male who’s most likely is going to be a jerk. One who has slept with a ton of women and thinks he is Gods gift. He’ll meet a chick he fights with and in the end they will find they can’t be without each other. This is a genre MANY people like to read. The alpha male is one most women want to conquer. Why not read how others have done it.

Why stop at one book? Why not read them all?

When readers who enjoy the alpha male romance see the words ALPHA COCKY DICKSLINGER they know what they are in for. And if they enjoy them they want more

And this may come as a shock but readers can read more than one book. WHAT? NO! REALLY?

And readers will read what they like. I will admit I don’t just read historical romance I branch out, but I know what genres I like. And that’s what I spend my money on

I read more than one author. AND SURPRISE SUR-FUCKING-PRISE most readers do as well. Especially avid readers. So unless our favorite author is publishing a book a day, because let’s face it people can devour a shit ton of books readers will need to read other authors.

Why would you want to alienate authors from your genre? This doesn’t make sense.

I write rock’n’roll romances. My books are pretty far between each other (sorry. I promise Van and Jesse are coming) Why would I as an author not want my readers to read other rocknroll books?

Keep my readers immersed in the world of rockstars while waiting for the next JackholeSseries. Have them excited for my book by reading other rocknroll books and seeing what my characters get onto as opposed to other rockstars.

I don’t question my readers loyalty to the JackholeS if they read other rocknroll books. And I don’t think my readers are silly enough to buy a rockstar book and think it’s mine because of the title. I give my readers more mental credit. Also I don’t own them and would never think to tell them what they can and cannot read.

Also Amazon has this nifty little feature called the “read the sample”

This feature allows a potential reader free access to the first 10% of a book. At the end of the 10% the potential reader is given the option to pass the pay wall. They can decide if they want to pay and become a reader or they can pass and go onto another title. The reader has no loyalty to the book. And much to my chagrin Amazon also gives a reader an option to return the book for a refund before a specific amount of time with no questions asked.

With this any reader has the option to access a book. And just in case they did get confused because there was an innocuous word in the title. They can return it or not pass they pay wall.

This whole thing makes no sense. I’m not saying I don’t want my book to be the best rocknroll romance. Of course I want it to hit NYTBS list, but I’m not going to practice shady business to get there. I have enough faith in my books that they can make it there on there own without destroy anyone else in the process.

Also I would never talk bad about another book in my genre because different options are the spice of life. I wrote this post in 2016

Can’t we all just get along?

And I still feel the same.

So Cocky author suck on this cocky post. I hope you get over yourself and eat crow. Or should I say cocky.

My Me Too joke got me too’d

It recently came to my attention that myself and another comic are in fact using the same me too joke.

Because this person has a bigger career and they did it on TV they’ve claimed it. And that’s….Hollywood.

They beat me in the equivalent of, I licked it it’s mine.

And through this whole thing all I could think is, damn I wish they would have jerked off in front of me and came on my face. It would have hurt less.

Now, I will go on the comedy record and say, I’m not accusing this person of stealing. It was a very easy set up and punchline. Butt fuck (two t’s on that butt) it hurt.

This is my goodbye to that joke. I refuse to be labeled a hack by using others jokes.I just hope my tongue is quicker next time

I’m here

I have been trying to reinven my brand and apparently that means disappearing for a year.

I’ve been yelled at to get my butt back in gear. I’m also supposed to get my newsletter up and running. 

So apparently more to come.

On a different note. I got an awesome tattoo

Happy Thanksgiving

This will be a hodgepodge post. I’m sitting here waiting for the next batch of whoopie pies to cook, and I started to think about tomorrow. Really think about what I’m thankful for, and the answer that came to me was so damn cliche. 

I’m thankful for my family and friends. But this year I’m super, uber, ginormously thankful for my mom.

If you keep up with my posts you’ll know that my mom had a stroke this year. Out of the blue, and so sudden it knocked me down. I never ever thought something would happen to her. She is the strongest person I know. 

If you didn’t figure it out, I’m a huge ball of anxiety with a heaping side of neurotic. Every night, I go over what I’m going to do the next day. When my day is thrown off or doesn’t go according to plan I have a HARD time adjusting. Change freaks me out. Things I can’t control freak me out.

Now that I’ve confessed that you can imagine how much my world went into a tailspin when my mom, my rock, had a stroke. I hadn’t even thought to plan that would happen. 

My mom always has a way of going with the flow. To this day and beyond I wish I could be more like her. She is amazing. She never seemed to have anything faze her. Why couldn’t I have inherited that gene?

Even with all my weird and sometimes (all the time) over exaggeration my mom accepted me. I never worried about her love faltering, even on my worst of freak outs. The thought of losing her tore me up inside. I couldn’t lose the one person that truly understands me. Who won’t turn away from me because my brain never stops and I want everything to work out the way I created it in my imagination. Who understands my need to stress about the most minute thing. 

Yes, I know that sounds selfish. I don’t care she’s mine. 

When my mom was in the hospital her sisters were there. My mom has 6 sisters and 2 brothers. Even with some strain they were there for me when it counted. And for that I’m thankful. My aunts kept saying that it could be worse and she was lucky she pulled through ( there was some religious talk, but I’m glossing over that because I don’t want that argument. We do not see eye to eye on that, but I digress.) I know they werw trying to make me feel better, but I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted my mom safe and healthy. I didn’t need this scarr to appreciate her. My mom is my best friend. Hell, look at my Halestorm posts. I’ve taken my mom to two concerts. We have so much fun together.  When we see each other we stay up until all hours in the morning talking. Het stroke was just a cruel twist that I could have happily lived without.

I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of going insane since August 23. She had to have surgery again yesterday. I didn’t know about it until my dad told me as she wad going into the OR. Talk about throwing my whole day off its axis. They added more coils andd another stint, and she is doing amazing, but…IT WASN’T PLANNED…

So this rant was just to show how thankful I am to have my mom. I wouldn’t have survived with another mom. She is my soul mate. She was supposed to guide me through this life, and I still need her.

Now because I don’t need anyone butthurt ….

I’m also very thankful for…..

my dad. He is the best grandpa I could ask for. He gave me my crazy brain. I realized this even more when we were up all night in the ICU while my mom slept doing crossword puzzles.

My brother for hugging me when I wanted to scream

Johnboy for being the best hubby ever. He is seriously the most supportive person in the whole world. When I told him about the books and comedy he pushed me to do it. I could keep going. He is the best.

My boys for driving me crazy and making me proud. They taught me so much. Especially how to go with the flow. I’m still trying to learn. They make me laugh and I adore them 

My second set of parents. They have helped and supported me. I can’t express how much they mean to me. They have given me a safe place to become myself, and my successes could not have happened without them.

My sisters for being there for me. For letting me pretend I’m a rebel and standing behind me being the true rebels. 

My niece. They are amazing. I wish I could have been as strong as they are when I was their age. They are going to make this world a better place with their strength 

My nephews for showing me there will be good men in this world. They will make someone so happy and I know they will help me with my book characters.

My friends. They have been so supportive also. I can’t believe how many people I have in my corner. 

Thank you everyone.

 Hug your loved ones tight and let them know you love them….

Worlds Wittiest Woman Competition

 

 

I was accepted in the Worlds Wittiest Woman Competition in Flappers Burbank. I’m sure they just picked everyone that applied, but I’m taking it and running with it.

The Wittiest Woman Wins Contest Prelim 2
Starring: Riley Silverman

MODCLOTH’S #FASHIONTRUTH, INTIMATE APPAREL, PAJIBA.COM, HUFFINGTON POST , ALL JANE FESTIVAL

November 8th, 2016 at 9:30PM

Flappers Comedy Club Burbank- Yoo Hoo Room
102 East Magnolia, Burbank, CA 91502

My set time is tomorrow Tues. Nov 8th at 9:30. I know it sounds late, but technically it is is 8:30 because I know you haven’t adjusted to the time change yet. Tickets are on sale for $10 up until the event then they go up to $15.

It’s audience picks the winner…SOOOO If you are around and want to see some fabulous lady comics but ultimatetly vote for me, come on down to Burbank. I hope to see you there. I’m super excited this will be the first time I’ve performed since my mom had her stroke and I can’t wait to hold a microphone again. (Don’t worry I practiced my set at an open mic, and several times in the shower)

The show is a five day event with two shows a night. There will be ten winners picked from the show, and they will move onto Nov 28ths final round.

Ahhhhhhhh….I’m so excited. I hope to see you there

Facebook event

Ticket Info